I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Someone signed my nipple.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
