She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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