Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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