He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
