Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
