you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
