I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
