dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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