We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
