Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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