dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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