Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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