I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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