I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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