at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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