Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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