Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
