this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
