I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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