I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
