the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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