Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
