remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
