Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
