I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
