remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
