Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
