I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
