God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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