i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just found puke in my bra..
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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