new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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