i was born a porn star she said
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
