I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
