genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Two words: blizzard sex
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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