Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
