I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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