Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
