This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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