I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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