When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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