i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
two words: eviction party
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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