'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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