Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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