I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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