A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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