Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
