Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
