U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
