I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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