im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This is my gift to your gina
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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