I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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