She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
