I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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