a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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