I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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