umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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