Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
